A new and outrageous trend has come to my attention and I must share it with you dear readers. You may be familiar with the delicate art of pubic grooming, but perhaps not so acquainted with the bedazzlement of your vajayjay, otherwise known as Vajazzling. Vajazzling, as defined on the official Vajazzling website “is the act of applying glitter and jewels to a woman’s nether regions for aesthetic purposes”.

Jennifer Love Hewitt played a big hand in giving Vajazzling media attention (which flew right passed my awareness) when she went on the George Lopez show to speak about how much she loved her jeweled crotch. She even wrote a whole chapter on this “beauty” practice in her book: “The Day I Shot Cupid: Hello, My Name Is Jennifer Love Hewitt and I’m a Love-aholic”.

This is the interview (you can fast-forward to 2:48)

Come to think of it, I’m not sure what confuses me more, the fact that people would take the time to bare all their hair down there, then stick glittery jewels on it, or the fact that Jennifer Love Hewitt wrote a book?

Here’s an excerpt that has nothing to do with Vajazzling but may waver the credibility of Vajazzling’s #1 spokesperson:

“OMG, let me just embarrass myself right now. I spent three hours once making his and her toiletry kits. One for my house and one for his house. At the time, I thought it was the most amazing gift. When I presented them I thought I would receive the Greatest Romantic Award. Uh, not what happened. Instead, I received awkward silence, followed by more awkward miles, and never heard from him again.”

Glad to know publishers have such high standards for writing.

Anyway back to the safe practice basics of Vajazzling…

There are spas and salons that offer Vajazzling services. They use stick-on Swarovski crystals to adorn the outside of your love tunnel, but if you want to do it yourself, you can either order the crystals online or get crystal tattoos in the design of your choice: hearts, butterflies, flowers, whatever your “precious lady”, as Love-Hewitt calls it, desires. You can find these crystal tattoos in the makeup section of most drug stores, apparently, and the process doesn’t involve any tattoo needles. I haven’t checked yet, but you can bet your Vajazzle I will.

The first step to decorating your vagina is to go for a Brazilian wax, or shave, Nair, wax the entire pubic area yourself. Waxing is probably your best option in order to ensure that your cactus stubble won’t begin to grow in too quickly and hinder the look of your shiny disco ball. Once your vagina is baby bald, make sure to dry the outside well and refrain from using any lotions.

Next, apply your crystal stickers, but be sure that you apply them only to the upper part of your pubic area.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY, DO NOT VAJAZZLE INSIDE YOUR VAGINA AND DO NOT STICK ANYTHING ON YOUR LIPS EITHER!

With every sticker you put on, consider the process of having to take it off as well.

In order to remove the crystals, peel them off gently. Do not use the ol’ band-aid, rip-it-off-quick trick or you can guarantee yourself a swollen, achy, red and bumpy Hoo-Ha. Poor her. If you’re having trouble with a sticker, apply a little baby oil. That should help dissolve the glue for easier removal.

Happy Vaginal Blinging!