There’s bling, and then there’s completely ‘effing ridiculous. Coming from someone who can’t afford to pay the late fees after renting Blood Diamond, the following items definitely fall into the latter category. I mean, we get it. You’re very, very, unbelievably stinking rich. But do you really need to rub your diamond-encrusted life into everyone’s face? These people remind me of the classic Chappelle Show parody of Cribs when Dave grinds diamonds into his T-Rex omelet:

“I sprinkle diamonds on everything I eat. Two reasons: One, it’s the most baller sh*t you could possible do to your food. And two, it makes my dookie twinkle.”

Hilarious and never far from the truth, Chappelle shows how “ballers” will bling just about anything. Here’s some more proof, and don’t worry, there’s no dookie.

iPhone

Encrusted with 138 princess-cut diamonds and 180 brilliant-cut diamonds all set in 18-carat white gold, the Apple iPhone Princess Plus is one of the most expensive phones in the world.

Mouse

It will cost you $25,030 to surf the net with this bad boy. Thankfully diamonds aren’t affected by palm sweat, otherwise the flower consisting 59 of them would surely wilt.

Mercedes Benz

Saudi Prince Waleed Bin Talal’s 38th car is this diamond studded SL600 Mercedes and is worth $4.8 million.

Bentley Shift Knob

Handcrafted with 30 carats of real diamonds and 10 ounces of 18 carat white gold, this $150,000 knob is worth more than most cars.

Hot Wheels

To celebrate their 40th anniversary, Hot Wheels cast this toy car in 18-karat white gold and embedded it with blue diamonds. The engine is encrusted with black and white diamonds, while the tail lights are made of rubies and the tires are a combination of black diamonds and red enamel. The car has an estimated value of over $140,000.

iPod Shuffle

There’s a solid chance that “Another Day in Paradise” by Phil Collins is not on your playlist if you’re strutting around with your $40,000 18 karat diamond studded, white and pink gold iPod shuffle.

MacBook Pro

Bring your laptop to Computer Choppers and they will gladly case it in gold or platinum for anywhere between $1,200-$1,500, and for an extra $2,400 you can have an Apple made of diamonds.

Christmas Tree

The Takashimaya department store in Tokyo is offering a Christmas tree with 400 diamonds from Africa and Australia for the low low price of $1.8 million. Pick one up and they’ll throw in a diamond studded teddy bear for free. I could probably afford the bear’s red bow. Then again, probably not.

Pacifier

Nothing says “You have got to be freaking kidding me” like this $17,000 14 karat white gold pacifier. Don’t let the 278 pave cut white diamonds blind you while sucking on the silicone nipple.

Fishing Lure

The million dollar fishing lure is over a foot long, contains three lbs of gold and platinum, and is encrusted with 100 carats of diamonds and rubies - 4753 stones when all is said and done. Unless you’re fishing for treasure chests don’t get this one anywhere near the ocean, or some fish will have the world’s most expensive lip piercing.

Thong

Hard to believe that something so small could contain 518 brilliant-cut diamonds, totaling up to 30 carats. At $122,000 it’s no wonder there’s no top!

Sneaks

Unless you’re a hip-hop star like Big Boi who was offered a pair for free, you’ll have to fork up $50,000 to sport these Nike Air Force 1 “So CAls”. The gold metal Nike Swoosh is surrounded by 11 carat diamonds studded in casings, held together by a fine gold stitching.

USB Keys

You’d better be saving some incredible information on the Adamant, a gold 16GB flash drive with three, count ‘em, three diamonds. This tiny storage device costs $5,650.

Girls like them because they’re twinkly and expensive. Guys like them as a conceptually easy gift - read the box, no creativity required. But that diamonds cost what they cost, often in the form of a two-months salary “expression of love and commitment” (good job advertising…), leaves an understandable bad taste in the male mouth. Here are some cooler diamond uses to salvage their image.

Quantum Cryptography

Diamond-based optical fiber technology has revolutionized security in data transfer. Unlike other gems, diamonds, when grown at the tips of optical fibers, have a single flaw that emits single photons at a time, so you know for sure if information is being lifted. With this technology, if one proton’s missing, you notice. Source

Chemotherapy

Nanodiamonds can be used in cancer treatment by attaching them to cancer cells in a fluorescent state, serving to clearly illuminate areas to send medicine. How do you create fluorescent nanodiamonds? By detonating TNT and RDX, and taking diamonds on the nanometer scale from the soot, then blasting them with high energy helium ions. Being carbon-based, the human body doesn’t really have compatibility issues. Source

Precision Cutting

With their near-indestructibility, diamonds are and have been a great choice for cutting/engraving/etching. Used in everything from mining to precision surgery, they’re the only choice for long-term, exact use. Even if they are still diamonds and do still cost some good money, their reliability in lucrative applications keeps them employed. Source

Data Storage

Wants to hold a TB on a single disc? Single crystal diamond spheres are key to the next wave in data storage, as accurate tiny lenses needed to work with a readout laser operating at extremely short wavelengths. With its high refractive index and transparency, diamonds are the perfect choice. Source

Studying High Pressure Conditions

This 20th century invention uses two diamonds pressed against each other by a force-generating mechanism, creating an intense amount of pressure by the focusing of that applied force onto the small area where they meet. Observing high quality, flawless diamonds in this way allows for an in-lab study, illuminating difficult to observe large-scale pressure conditions such as pressure at the center of the Earth and on other planets. Flawless victory. Source

I don’t like having to read an article 3 times. Thankfully, this recent one was short, although it was short on explanation too. The title reads “Thief Steals Ring Off Hand of 90-Year-Old Woman”. That wording seems to strongly suggest that the ring was actually physically removed from the woman’s hand, which is all the more disturbing, and I suppose more interesting news, too. The jewelry thief stole the $21,000 diamond engagement ring from a 90-year-old lady in an assisted-living facility. Without saying more about the woman, her age at least opens the door to the from-her-finger removal possibility.

But here’s the weird part. Apparently, the woman’s daughter-in-law is the one who noticed it was missing, and the official police report says it was stolen between March 9^th and 23^rd. Now either the thief followed her around and pulled it off her finger super slowly over a two-week period, or it was simply kept somewhere in her home and removed from there. As far as theft prevention is concerned the police commander is quoted as saying “the best thing to do with jewelry is to wear it.” This mostly suggests that she wasn’t wearing it at the time, although it could be interpreted as a “it’s the best thing to do, and still it was taken.” Given other recent ring thefts from the elderly like this, the news is disheartening either way.

So I guess this is either an absolutely outlandish crime, or a more regular but still very unfortunate crime, with confusing reporting. Maybe they meant to say something along the lines of “the criminal took it off her hands,” as in “no, go out, I’ll babysit and take the kids off your hands.” Except you’d end up returning the kids. And they’re probably not worth $21,000. Sorry - I don’t like kids.