As most men chill on the uncomfortable periphery of fashion, we do develop a strong sense for what we hate on women. And while women do style partly for themselves (”I’m the real me!”) or for their female friends (“SOOOoooOOO GOOD!”), a chunk of it’s for guys. Ladies, if you’re listening, please read, and get a clue if you expect to ever receive a diamond fashion ring. Gents, you may or may not agree with this list. If I’m missing any, let me know, and I’ll add them to the post.

Cheek Piercing

Nothing like a fashion statement that looks accidental. You look like you were shrooming in a fun house with a nail gun, and the next morning you just said “fuck it, I’ll keep it.” Thank god you have a pice of jewelry randomly adorning your face. When you’ve run out of original places to stud your head, don’t go random. That’s like a musician saying “wehhh, all melodies have been done before. I’m gonna play random notes wherever and I’ll be so different I’ll be cool.” You’re not cool.

Acceptable Alternative:

Standard piercings, plus, on the right girl, eyebrow ring jewelry, or nose ring. Lip ring can work under very particular circumstances. You kinda have to be already hot.

Giant Sunglasses

At first I just felt bad for you, thinking an extraterrestrial symbiote had taken you as a host. How wrong I was. You may be proud that not the smallest beam in the slightest crack of space will get in your deflector shield eye booth, but you look like a bug on hind legs. A bug! The stick thin skin-and-bones body type completes the preying mantis fashion statement. While I do appreciate being able to catch the action behind me thanks to your pair of anti-theft convenience store convex mirrors, I’d rather you just BUZZ OFF. Yep - “buzz off”.

Acceptable Alternative:

Shades can be hot. Like any glasses, you just have to find something that fits your face. The goggles above don’t match any human face.

Image Source

Excessive Foundation

Here’s the problem: lots of cover up is actually worth covering up. You may think that a pimple mount of height X necessitates a layer of foundation of X + 1 thickness, but really you’ve managed to expand the “problem area” to your entire face. Good luck playing the “success through dim lighting” card. You don’t look like porcelain, you look crusty. If you can’t tan, don’t manufacture a layer of grainy fakeskin. Some guys like pale chicks.

Acceptable Alternative:

Skin cream. Or, your actual face. The foundation’s not better than nothing.

Pets as Accessories

Living. Creatures. Are. Not. Accessories. While I appreciate, on some level, the pimping out of an otherwise evolutionary abomination into some kind of social use, this is a problem. You have no idea of the statements you make when you walk around with these fashion rats, or the thoughts that go through every guy’s mind. Images of fur and bow ties in a mulcher, or my personal favorite daytime fantasy, a bit of art I call “kicking of a dog through uprights.” We hate your dog, and we hate you.

Acceptable Alternatives:

Treating an animal like the companion it is. Get a real pet or walk alone.

High Belts

There’s beauty in proportion, and nothing messes with that more than a blatant misplacing of a standard item. If you’re willing to constrict your ribs, do us all a favor and wear a corset. At least it’ll make your boobs look good.

Acceptable Alternative:

A normal waist belt, if you need it at all. No stupidly thick belts, either.

* * *

I suppose Paris Hilton is to blame for much of the kind of shite we see every day. I think it’s time women got over her and her irritating style, and started using fashion for what it was meant to do - make women look hot.

Honourable mentions, thanks to comments:

Crocs - Indeed, fucking hideous. Unfortunately, it’s a bit unfair to pin these on girls, since guys wear them too, but they do know how to kill hotness with them.

Ugz (Uggs) boots - The name is as ugly as the boots themselves. Just what guys always wanted, right? Furry legs. Great.

And, for more excessive foundation, check out this pic of Cindy McCain (gah)

I had removed Capris, but I guess they did belong:

Below shows a range of necklace types. After all, different occasions call for different needs. Which is your favorite?

1. Closeup Necklaces

A real elegant beauty shows in these necklaces. So close you can touch them.

2. Neatly Hanging Necklaces

Nothing completes a woman’s look like necklaces. It’s always nice to see the magic when they compliment the overall aesthetic just right, giving a nice balance.

3. Heavy Necklaces

These necklaces show the kind of pattern we can all get used to. The first redefines round, while the second could be captioned “symmetry”.

4. “Small” Necklaces

There’s no reason why small necklaces are any less good than large ones. Not to take anything away from large ones, of course, just saying that beauty doesn’t necessarily come in one shape or size.

5. Necklaces That Draw the Eye

The way these necklaces are worn and shown, it’s hard to look away. In no time at all, you’re pointed to hanging happiness.

6. Celebrity Necklaces

Scarlett Johansson, Alyssa Milano, and Monica Belucci: three celebrity women whose necklaces are the stuff of dreams. Not just anyone can get their hands on these.

Recently, Carrie Fisher revealed that she and Harrison Ford got busy on the Star Wars set:

“I went on the film saying, ‘I’m going to have an affair,’ like it was a kiwi, an exotic fruit — because I’d never had one”

Well that’s a good reason to have an affair, if there’s ever been one.

“I had a crush on Harrison for sure. Harrison is great fun when he’s had a few drinks.”

Yeah, I’d be trying to get a piece of princess too after seeing that enslaved-by-Jabba fashion.

Well, I always found the Return of the Jedi boob fondling scene to be a bit telling. Here’s a quick clip I whipped up to show that I was on to something with my hunch.

So Hand Solo likes to feel up Princess Get Leiad’s boobs, to try to Jabba her Hutt and maybe Chew her Bacca before Luke reaches her core with his light saber.

…

Too far?

Girls like them because they’re twinkly and expensive. Guys like them as a conceptually easy gift - read the box, no creativity required. But that diamonds cost what they cost, often in the form of a two-months salary “expression of love and commitment” (good job advertising…), leaves an understandable bad taste in the male mouth. Here are some cooler diamond uses to salvage their image.

Quantum Cryptography

Diamond-based optical fiber technology has revolutionized security in data transfer. Unlike other gems, diamonds, when grown at the tips of optical fibers, have a single flaw that emits single photons at a time, so you know for sure if information is being lifted. With this technology, if one proton’s missing, you notice. Source

Chemotherapy

Nanodiamonds can be used in cancer treatment by attaching them to cancer cells in a fluorescent state, serving to clearly illuminate areas to send medicine. How do you create fluorescent nanodiamonds? By detonating TNT and RDX, and taking diamonds on the nanometer scale from the soot, then blasting them with high energy helium ions. Being carbon-based, the human body doesn’t really have compatibility issues. Source

Precision Cutting

With their near-indestructibility, diamonds are and have been a great choice for cutting/engraving/etching. Used in everything from mining to precision surgery, they’re the only choice for long-term, exact use. Even if they are still diamonds and do still cost some good money, their reliability in lucrative applications keeps them employed. Source

Data Storage

Wants to hold a TB on a single disc? Single crystal diamond spheres are key to the next wave in data storage, as accurate tiny lenses needed to work with a readout laser operating at extremely short wavelengths. With its high refractive index and transparency, diamonds are the perfect choice. Source

Studying High Pressure Conditions

This 20th century invention uses two diamonds pressed against each other by a force-generating mechanism, creating an intense amount of pressure by the focusing of that applied force onto the small area where they meet. Observing high quality, flawless diamonds in this way allows for an in-lab study, illuminating difficult to observe large-scale pressure conditions such as pressure at the center of the Earth and on other planets. Flawless victory. Source